


It's not always rainbows and butterflies

by ShippingFangirl26



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-13 04:05:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16885323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShippingFangirl26/pseuds/ShippingFangirl26
Summary: Dan has a numb day. Phil is not home, but he still manages to reach and help his boyfriend.





	It's not always rainbows and butterflies

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nefertiti1052 (Succubusphan)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Succubusphan/gifts).



> This is written for my dearest Yani ([SuccubusPhan](https://succubusphan.tumblr.com/)), who's birthday is today. Unfortunately, I can't be there with her, but I decided to write her a little something. Please keep in mind that this is heavily descriptive of a mental illness. There's fluff in there and it's not all bad, but it's written out of Dan's perspective, and as the title suggests, it's not all Rainbows and butterflies. (Also, it's raw and unbeta'ed, but kudos and comments would still be appreciated.)
> 
> Yani, I still hope you like this. You know what it means. Happy Birthday. 
> 
> You can also read or reblog this fic [on tumblr.](http://shippingfangirl26.tumblr.com/post/180870288471/its-not-always-rainbows-and-butterflies)

Dan wakes up in darkness.

 

For a second his heart is racing and he knows he should be panicked, but then his heartrate settles and his breathing slows down. It was probably just a nightmare, he suspects, but quickly realizes he doesn’t care.

 

About anything, actually.

 

He should be used to it by now, he’s known for a while this could happen, but the reality is that he’s not. Not yet. It’s still such a foreign concept to him that half the time he wonders if it is real. Yearlong he’s thought this was normal, that it happened to everyone, just to be told that no, it doesn’t; that something is wrong with him.

 

That he’s just broken that way.

 

He knows he should be getting up, or at least search for his phone somewhere on his nightstand, but he can’t get his hand or the rest of his body to move. He’s not sure why, where the command gets lost; it’s like there’s voices in his head and he isn’t sure which one is actually him. Sometimes he wonders if it’s all him, if he’s just an asshole, making him look worse to the outside world so he gets noticed, so that he gets pity, feelings.

 

Then he remembers he has no obligation to get up. He’s not exactly sure which day of the week it is, but as long as his memory is still working properly he’s certain Phil isn’t there anyway, that he’s gone to visit his family.

 

No one that would notice if he’d just vanish, stay in bed and not do anything. No one to fake normality for. He’s aware he should get up anyway, have breakfast, do something, but he can’t; as long as there’s no reason one of the voices won’t let him.

 

If he would still be living at home he’d get up, put on a half-smile, act like everything’s fine. He’d be the son his parents expect.

 

Even now, living with Phil, he’d still try to fake it. He and Phil had both agreed fairly early on that there was no use for it, that he’d just show him when it’s getting like this, but the reality is a whole different thing.

 

In reality, Phil is living and breathing and _gorgeous_ , and Dan can’t bear to turn the prettiest smile he’s ever seen into a frown. In reality, Phil would worry about him. And he’s not worth being worried about.

 

It’s sheer desperation that allows him to reach out and take his phone. He completely ignores all notifications, doesn’t even perceive the time, just opens Spotify and clicks play on the first playlist he comes across. It’s Panic, he realizes, which really doesn’t match his spirit at the moment, but he doesn’t care. He just wants – _needs_ to drown out the voices.

 

He can hear Phil talking in his head, telling him not to listen to them, telling him he’s a great person, that he’s not garbage. But it’s hard to believe him when numerous voices tell him otherwise.

 

It’s a fickle thing, the demon, as Phil calls it; it disguises its voices with a tone that could easily be his own. Sometimes he’s sure it’s just himself, but the next day Phil will tell him he realized it was the demon lurking in. He’s glad Phil can keep them apart fairly clearly, is glad he knows what is real. It’s always there, he’s never completely free, but most of the times he’s still himself – he is what he is _despite_ of this demon, not because of it.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

There’s bright specks of light falling through the roller blinds when his stomach starts making rumbling noises. He notices he’s hungry and thirsty, but he doesn’t particularly care and he’s pretty certain he wouldn’t be able to get up anyway. Even breathing seems to be the hardest chore already, every breath a conscious choice. He doesn’t know why he chooses to keep breathing, but something tells him he should.

 

It’s then his phone starts vibrating next to him.

 

There’s still music coming out of it, music that helps quieten the voices or at least make them disappear in a sea of louder sounds, different lyrics to keep his mind occupied and different rhythms to keep him aware of being alive. He’s pretty sure that he should reach out, take the call; that it’s probably important if someone is ringing him, but it’s like he can’t get through to his body. His hand doesn’t move until the vibrating stops.

 

It starts again only a few seconds later though and now Dan _knows_ it’s important. It takes him a few seconds, but it’s easier to make his hand move towards the phone now.

 

“Hello,” he says with as much interest as he can muster.

 

The person on the other side doesn’t even wait till the word is rung out. “Dan. Are you okay?”

 

Dan thinks there’s worry in Phil’s voice and for a moment he has to keep himself from retching. The sheer thought of this amazing human being worrying about someone as worthless as him feels foreign and _wrong_ to him, but he manages to keep it down.

 

“‘M fine,” he croaks out, but it sounds hollow and flat and he knows Phil will pick up on it. It's not a lie, really, he doesn't feel bad. There's two of these states, sadness and numbness. Today there's just nothing, rarely any feeling pushing through the thick walls he's trapped in. He'd take this over sadness any day.

 

“Tell me the truth, Dan.” Phil sounds restricted, like he's gritting his teeth, and Dan can't comprehend why. The voices tell him he definitely did something wrong, but the rationality left informs him he barely did anything.

 

He's familiar with the question, he knows what to say to make Phil realize the state he's in, but he has to battle with himself for a moment. Honestly, he only says the truth because firstly he couldn't outright lie to Phil, and secondly Phil would immediately pick up on the lie and continue the investigation. And he really doesn't want any more questions.

 

“It's nothing.”

 

Of course, Phil understands.

 

“Do you want me to come home?”

 

It still sounds squeezed out, like he's still clenching his teeth. Now the voices tell Dan Phil has every right to be mad at him, about possibly having to cut the family visit short just because Dan can't do the simplest things alone - just because he's weak. The voices are there, showing him all the reasons to believe them, but he doesn't. He knows Phil better than this. He's his one save haven.

 

And yeah, sometimes even that doesn't work and he believes the demon. But today it’s enough. Today the fact that it's Phil is what keeps him upright.

 

“No. I'll be fine.”

 

There's a sigh at the other end of the line. When Dan closes his eyes he can practically see Phil, the worry written clearly on his face, unshed tears in his eyes. He knows him being like this makes Phil sad and sometimes he hates himself for it.

 

“Okay. But I need you to know that I'm here, and that I care, okay? Not out of guilt or whatever crap the demon is telling you, but because I love you and you are important to me. So fucking important.”

 

Dan hears something that almost seems to be desperation in Phil's voice and suddenly, there's a surge of pain and tears in his eyes. It's gone as fast as it came, but he knows it was there. In a twisted way it’s liberating, how it pushes through the wall around him, and it reminds him he can get through this.

 

He can get through everything, as long as he has Phil.

 

He's sure feelings would be battling inside of him if there wouldn't be this numbness covering it up, but he doesn't need to be able to feel to know how much he loves his boyfriend. When this episode is over he'll think back to this moment and cry about how perfect Phil is.

 

“Thank you. I'm sorry.” He doesn’t really know what he's saying but he doesn't think it matters. Phil won't take any of this for real because right now, he's not himself. Right now he's a grotesque mix of a robot and the demon, no feelings but full of self-depreciation.

 

“I need you to stay on the phone,” Phil says on the other end of the line and Dan is sure it's said with determination and severity, even though he has no idea why.

 

“Why,” he asks, but it sounds more like a statement than an actual question. He knows he doesn’t need to raise his voice. He knows he doesn’t need to act for Phil, even if he tried earlier. He always sees through Dan immediately, and he’s so fast with learning what Dan needs and when, that Dan is sure he’s an actual saint.

 

Phil doesn’t have it easy either, obviously; his life isn’t just rainbows and butterflies. He has trouble sleeping and anxiety. Sometimes he’s sad or doesn’t feel up to stuff, but he’s always there for Dan.

 

He always knows what to do when Dan has one of his bad days, or when his mood makes a 180 degree turn in the middle of the day. Dan on the other hand is often not certain about how to deal with Phil’s bad days, and he feels like an asshole for it.

 

“Because I know hearing my voice quietens the demon, and because I need to know you’ve eaten and drunk something before I can leave you alone,” Phil answers and the echo of love pushes through Dan. It’s muted and faint, but he knows it’s there.

 

There’s rustling on the other end, muffled voices, then the sound of a door closing. “Can you do that for me, love? Can you get up?”

 

For a second Dan isn’t sure, but when he recognizes the softness in Phil’s voice the demon’s reins slip and it’s as easy as it normally is. “Okay.”

 

So he does. He gets up, puts Phil on speaker and goes through his morning cores. Phil has him drink a glass of water, then a cup of tea and makes him eat a toast without even being there. He goes through the motions lifeless and shallow, feeling like he’s not really there, but he does it, and that’s more then he thought he’d achieve when he woke up this morning.

 

They stay on the phone for hours, chatting about this and that. Phil’s mum brings him lunch and dinner and talks in an utterly considerate and kind way to Dan while Phil’s eating. Dan doesn’t contribute a lot, but he likes to hear them talk, because deep down he knows they both love him, even if the demon says otherwise.  Phil makes him have a small dinner, too, and then he’s back in bed.

 

“Sometimes I think you’d be better off without me,” he whispers into the quiet as Phil is searching for another story to tell. He can hear his boyfriend inhale sharply. When he talks his voice is hard as steel.

 

“Don’t ever say that.”

 

Dan holds his breath, heart pounding. He knows he wouldn’t have said it on a normal day but right now, that doesn’t make it less true to him, and Phil’s reaction scares him. He always wants to be honest with Phil. Is he not allowed to?

 

It’s silent for a moment before Dan can hear Phil taking a long, calm breath, then a slow exhale. When he talks the softness is back, love mixed into his voice and Dan has trouble to comprehend. “It’s not true, okay? You mean so much to me, Dan. So much. And I need you, more than you’ll ever know. I know it’s hard for you to understand right now, but… You’re the contouring, remember? Every good Anime needs contouring.”

 

Dan remembers this conversation vividly, and a chuckle escapes his lips. He’s not sure how, he’s not sure why, he’s just sure it’s there. His breathing evens out and a lone tear makes its way down his cheek. He loves his boyfriend so, so much and it’s a shame he’s not really able to feel it at the moment.

 

“Thank you,” he whispers and he knows there’s a smile on his face, even if he doesn’t know how exactly it got there.

 

“Of course, love.”

 

It’s silent for a second, then: “Do you think you can sleep now? For me? Put on some music and try it?”

 

~~~~~~~~

 

Dan falls asleep to the playlist Phil made him that night. The next morning he wakes up to a full heart and a smile on his face and he knows the worst is behind him once more.

 

Without even checking the time he video calls Phil. When he finally picks up the call Dan doesn’t even wait for his boyfriend to say something, just looks at his still adorably sleepy face and feels his heart swelling before he speaks. “I love you so much, Phil.” He pours everything into these words, everything he feels for Phil; the adoration, the thankfulness, the admiration. The love.

 

The smile that slowly spreads on his boyfriend’s face is so wide, so full, so _absolute_ he thinks his heart might just burst.

 

“I love you too, Dan.”


End file.
